Monday, April 18
the taste of regret always lingers bitter in my mouth. love hopes where reason would despair, j'aime et j'espere. i always tell people i know what i'm doing. i hope i do. staring at the sky. it's kinda cloudy. it's been so long since i've heard from chris. i guess she'll be staring at the same night sky in nepal. and i still remember that book.. and its poem.. in the mists of time..
true love, like ghosts, is often talked about.
yet only few have little doubt
that either one on earth exists.
so i am blessed, for in the mists
of time, i have found you.
mere words cannot express the joy
that even time cannot destroy -
the depth, the passion that i feel.
yet earthly death has dared to steal
your body from my soul.
i cannot rest - life's lost its thrill.
i need you back; i'll fight, i'll kill!
i'll battle death and travel time
for mere existence is a crime.
dear God, please, take me too!the past dissolves into the now
i take the chance, will fate allow
the two of us to meet again?
but oh if so, no matter when,
your love i shall extol!
past life and death i shall transcend
to search for you til heaven's end.
at first, he's someone i don't know
until within his eyes... that glow...
i recognise - He's You!
how odd my memory is. i remember the whole poem by heart. but ask me any math formula or the year that vietnam was made independant, and i'll stare at you blankly. how odd my life has become. i used to condemn anything that was different, but now i strive to break away from the mainstream. fairytales - what are they to me? nothing but lies. they don't come true, you know. the twisted, the strange, the abnormal are more fascinating in their very twistedness. take a love and spin it around twice - see what you get. a hate, at best. twisted love at worst. sometimes homosexuality. sometimes an asexual being. cruelly fascinating. you learn something new everyday. today i learn that gay poetry is actually available here.. and that oscar wilde was gay. i always found his tales a little dark and troubling.. i used to shy away from anything that troubled my mind.. but in recent years i've sought to see how far humanity can go. see how far we can twist what God made perfect.. and let me say, we've twisted perfection a hell lot. freud freud freud. sometimes i think he's ridiculous in his theories. other times i acknowledge their truth, their worth. i scare myself with my own thoughts and their implications. do you ever second guess yourself, and your motives? i speak without thinking. and hurt a lot of people. i never used to care. i still don't, not really, unless i care for the person. i'm evil that way. stone me, why don't you? but these past years.. i've been thinking about things.. and i've realised.. nothing is straightcut. we all grow up on fairytales - a knight, a dragon, a damsel in distress. guess what. some knights are pretty and some dragons are afraid of fire. go figure.
i don't mean to scare anyone. i know my writing depresses some people. if you can't take it, don't read okay? i'll tell when i write something happy. til then, because this is the person i have become, i will wish you a good night and laugh cynically because nights are never good now. ask me no questions, and i'll tell you no lies..
ooh! on a cheery note - i'm gonna adopt a girl when i grow up, and i'm going to call her darryl. isn't it a pretty name? think malory towers. wait, is that how you spell darryl? whatever it is, i'm so attracted to that name, i suspect i'll fall for any tom, dick or shelly with that name. har har. pah.
it must've been love.
10:17 pm
xoxo
